Sunday, April 01, 2007

Second Hand Jokes

Here are a few jokes that were sent to me and thought were worth retelling:

A woman had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant.
As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The man sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the news.
"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust."
"What's that?" asked the stranger.
"After years of trying, FINALLY I'm pregnant!" exclaimed the woman.
The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his own experience -- he said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy. He added, "But, confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, " did I!"

On a farm out in the country lived a man, a woman, and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to nourish her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself!

When the man awoke to find his wife (as well as the cow) dead, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head!
Then the eldest son awoke to discover his parents (and the cow!) dead, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank...
The mermaid said, "I've seen all, and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to life." The son agreed to do this, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So, the mermaid drowned him in the river!
Next, the second oldest son awoke. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right!" And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river!
The youngest son awoke and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in... and there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not thirty times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

President George H. W. Bush, President George W. Bush, and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car through Kansas. A tornado comes along, whirls them up into the air, and tosses them many miles away. They fall into a daze. All the colors are now brighter and more vibrant. They realize they are in the fabled Land of Oz. George W. announces: “I’m going to see the Wizard and I'll ask him for a brain."
George H. W. responds: "I'm going to ask for some courage.”
Clinton looks around and says: "Where's Dorothy?"

Happy April First!

(By the way, Happy Anniversary to me. This is my 100th post--Bill)


Magic Phil said...

I love your jokes! I have a lot of one-liners over at my blog you're welcome to use too.

chgomagic said...

Um...Thanks for the offer, but I'll stick to my own material. And a little advice, magic phil, remember now that you are the magic man you always have to be "on" so you should use those one-liners of yours even when not doing magic. Just in normal everyday work situations. I think that'll work out great for you.

Magic Phil said...

Thanks so much for that great advice!

Today at work one of the girls from IT was flirting with some of the guys and I turned to my boss and said: "She's been on more laps than a paper napkin." and he thought it was hilarious! Then I said: "She's listed in the yelow pages under 'Playgrounds'." and he almost lost it.

He asked if he could use those jokes too and I said "Sure, I've got a million of them. I'm a professional magician in my spare time." and he was really interested. He said he might have some work for me if I can give him "mates rates".

You're very right. If I can always be "on" I've got so much more chance of getting work.

Thanks again!

chgomagic said...

Yes, but you are not a professional magician, yet, because you are still making your living from your "day" job. Not magic. Just keep on using those lines in all your conversations and you will find you'll be a professional magician in no time.