Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
No explanation needed
I think I'll add this to my next feather flower routine. You can find more videos of these talented artists on YouTube.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Second Hand Jokes
It’s been a while since my last Second Hand Jokes post. Most of the good jokes I’ve heard, I would not post here. I’d rather tell them. Those who know me know I am fond of the silliest, dumbest, puniest jokes. I also love the dirtiest, sickest, and meanest jokes. This one is neither.
This joke could be Second Hand Jokes meets Selling Magic. It is a specialized joke, one that salesmen tell other salesmen. It was told to me by a customer before he left my store empty handed because he didn’t want to carry that heavy Svengali deck around the pier with him. Hey, he had to pass my store on the way out anyhow he could pick it up then. (This is one of the common, “I don’t want to buy, but I’d rather lie than say so.” Excuses I hear at the store.)
He told it a more of a generic joke. I rewrote it with a more specific bent.
A Svengali pitchman dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is showing him around, cloud to cloud, when he says, “You know, I’ve been a pitchman all my life and eternity is a long time. What am I going to do?”
St. Peter replies “Don’t worry. We have an area for pitchmen. You can set up there.”
So the pitchman was happily pitching, when after a few hours he has to go to the bathroom. He asks one of the other pitchmen where he can go.
The guy says, “We just go over to the edge and pee over the side.”
The pitchman looks of the edge and says, “But there are a whole bunch of people down there.”
And the guy says, “That’s okay, those are just the be-backs.”
Just about any salesman will laugh at this joke. But then I got to think of the absurdity of the joke and started to break it down. Here is an annotated version of the same joke:
A Svengali pitchman dies and goes to heaven.
Right here everything falls apart. Everyone knows the pitchmen (myself included) are lying, cheating, thieving whores who are all going to hell.
St. Peter is showing him around,
What is it with St. Peter? Gatekeeper/Tour guide? First, Jesus changes his name from Simon to Peter on a whim. Then he sticks him in this dead (no pun intended) end job. Man, Jesus just walks all over this guy. (I almost wrote: Jesus, Jesus walks all over that guy.)
cloud to cloud,
Great, ethereal insubstantial beings walking around on ethereal insubstantial things. The laws of time and space are but a mockery. (Thanks, Jeff Korst. Where ever you are.)
when he says, “You know, I’ve been a pitchman all my life and eternity is a long time. What am I going to do?”
Gee, I don’t know. Maybe, lounge?
St. Peter replies “Don’t worry. We have an area for pitchmen.
See my first note about pitchmen in heaven.
You can set up there.”
And just who is buying Svengali decks up there.
So the pitchman was happily pitching,
Pitchmen are not happily pitching, they are happily selling.
a few hours he has to go to the bathroom. He asks one of the other pitchmen where he can go.
You are a spirit, unbound to the mortal coil. Why do you gotta pee? What are you drinking in the first place?
The guy says, “We just go over to the edge and pee over the side.”
This is exactly the kind of advice you would get from a competing pitchman.
The pitchman looks of the edge and says, “But there are a whole bunch of people down there.”
Who are these people who can feel your pee, but not see you selling Svengali decks in the clouds?
And the guy says, “That’s okay, those are just the be-backs.”
Wait, perhaps this is pitchman heaven.
Hope you had fun. Be back soon.
Bill
This joke could be Second Hand Jokes meets Selling Magic. It is a specialized joke, one that salesmen tell other salesmen. It was told to me by a customer before he left my store empty handed because he didn’t want to carry that heavy Svengali deck around the pier with him. Hey, he had to pass my store on the way out anyhow he could pick it up then. (This is one of the common, “I don’t want to buy, but I’d rather lie than say so.” Excuses I hear at the store.)
He told it a more of a generic joke. I rewrote it with a more specific bent.
A Svengali pitchman dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is showing him around, cloud to cloud, when he says, “You know, I’ve been a pitchman all my life and eternity is a long time. What am I going to do?”
St. Peter replies “Don’t worry. We have an area for pitchmen. You can set up there.”
So the pitchman was happily pitching, when after a few hours he has to go to the bathroom. He asks one of the other pitchmen where he can go.
The guy says, “We just go over to the edge and pee over the side.”
The pitchman looks of the edge and says, “But there are a whole bunch of people down there.”
And the guy says, “That’s okay, those are just the be-backs.”
Just about any salesman will laugh at this joke. But then I got to think of the absurdity of the joke and started to break it down. Here is an annotated version of the same joke:
A Svengali pitchman dies and goes to heaven.
Right here everything falls apart. Everyone knows the pitchmen (myself included) are lying, cheating, thieving whores who are all going to hell.
St. Peter is showing him around,
What is it with St. Peter? Gatekeeper/Tour guide? First, Jesus changes his name from Simon to Peter on a whim. Then he sticks him in this dead (no pun intended) end job. Man, Jesus just walks all over this guy. (I almost wrote: Jesus, Jesus walks all over that guy.)
cloud to cloud,
Great, ethereal insubstantial beings walking around on ethereal insubstantial things. The laws of time and space are but a mockery. (Thanks, Jeff Korst. Where ever you are.)
when he says, “You know, I’ve been a pitchman all my life and eternity is a long time. What am I going to do?”
Gee, I don’t know. Maybe, lounge?
St. Peter replies “Don’t worry. We have an area for pitchmen.
See my first note about pitchmen in heaven.
You can set up there.”
And just who is buying Svengali decks up there.
So the pitchman was happily pitching,
Pitchmen are not happily pitching, they are happily selling.
a few hours he has to go to the bathroom. He asks one of the other pitchmen where he can go.
You are a spirit, unbound to the mortal coil. Why do you gotta pee? What are you drinking in the first place?
The guy says, “We just go over to the edge and pee over the side.”
This is exactly the kind of advice you would get from a competing pitchman.
The pitchman looks of the edge and says, “But there are a whole bunch of people down there.”
Who are these people who can feel your pee, but not see you selling Svengali decks in the clouds?
And the guy says, “That’s okay, those are just the be-backs.”
Wait, perhaps this is pitchman heaven.
Hope you had fun. Be back soon.
Bill
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Second Hand Jokes
Here are a few jokes that were sent to me and thought were worth retelling:
A woman had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant.
As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The man sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the news.
"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust."
"What's that?" asked the stranger.
"After years of trying, FINALLY I'm pregnant!" exclaimed the woman.
The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his own experience -- he said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy. He added, "But, confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially...so did I!"
On a farm out in the country lived a man, a woman, and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to nourish her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself!
When the man awoke to find his wife (as well as the cow) dead, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head!
Then the eldest son awoke to discover his parents (and the cow!) dead, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank...
The mermaid said, "I've seen all, and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to life." The son agreed to do this, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So, the mermaid drowned him in the river!
Next, the second oldest son awoke. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right!" And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river!
The youngest son awoke and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in... and there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not thirty times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
President George H. W. Bush, President George W. Bush, and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car through Kansas. A tornado comes along, whirls them up into the air, and tosses them many miles away. They fall into a daze. All the colors are now brighter and more vibrant. They realize they are in the fabled Land of Oz. George W. announces: “I’m going to see the Wizard and I'll ask him for a brain."
George H. W. responds: "I'm going to ask for some courage.”
Clinton looks around and says: "Where's Dorothy?"
Happy April First!
(By the way, Happy Anniversary to me. This is my 100th post--Bill)
A woman had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant.
As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The man sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the news.
"Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust."
"What's that?" asked the stranger.
"After years of trying, FINALLY I'm pregnant!" exclaimed the woman.
The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his own experience -- he said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy. He added, "But, confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially...so did I!"
On a farm out in the country lived a man, a woman, and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to nourish her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself!
When the man awoke to find his wife (as well as the cow) dead, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head!
Then the eldest son awoke to discover his parents (and the cow!) dead, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank...
The mermaid said, "I've seen all, and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to life." The son agreed to do this, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So, the mermaid drowned him in the river!
Next, the second oldest son awoke. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right!" And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river!
The youngest son awoke and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in... and there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not thirty times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
President George H. W. Bush, President George W. Bush, and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car through Kansas. A tornado comes along, whirls them up into the air, and tosses them many miles away. They fall into a daze. All the colors are now brighter and more vibrant. They realize they are in the fabled Land of Oz. George W. announces: “I’m going to see the Wizard and I'll ask him for a brain."
George H. W. responds: "I'm going to ask for some courage.”
Clinton looks around and says: "Where's Dorothy?"
Happy April First!
(By the way, Happy Anniversary to me. This is my 100th post--Bill)
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Jay's Jokes
I am not a collector, not by any real meaning of the word. Unless you count stories, I love stories. There are a few books inhabiting a few shelves and boxes that are collectable. I have first edition Dracula, a Blackstone’s Secrets of Magic (signed), a valuable edition of Edgar Allen Poe’s poems with drawings by Edmund Dulac, and there are a few others.
As far as the magic world goes, it is just too darn expensive to amass a collection.
Although, I have acquired some nice pieces on that remarkable worldwide rummage sale, eBay. If you watch closely and keep a budget, you can find some deals. You have to be patient and not worry about losing something. I bought a broadside 6 months ago for $60. The same broadside sold recently for $179. But I like mine too much to sell.
This all leads me to my point. I just paid $300 for a notebook on eBay. A very special notebook.
For some time now, Sandy Marshall (son of Jay), his wife Susan, and their family have been selling many of Jay Marshall’s non-magic books on eBay. Many are circus and entertainment related books. Some are much more interesting like, How to run a Bassoon Factory for Fun and Profit.
Sandy first approves most of the books sold, just to make sure a treasure doesn’t slip through. Despite the safety checks, one such treasure did slip through.
The notebook, my notebook, is part of Jay Marshall’s private joke file. Talking to the Marshalls, there are about 20 volumes of joke that Jay collected and hand typed. This is the only one that should go to auction, but that may change seeing the worth. There was one other persistent bidder, but he topped out at just under $300 not even close to my high bid of $350. Whew!
It is a shameful thing, I think, not wanting anyone else to have it, but it meant a great deal to me.
Jay, for those who may not know, knew every joke ever. No, really. It was a supreme achievement to be able to tell him a joke and not have him finish it for you. I never tried. (My achievement was to bring him some advertising from the 1800s that he just had to copy.) My favorite memories of Magic, Inc. are going to lectures. A lecture could not, would not start without Jay sharing a ribald joke or bawdy limerick. Jay knew how to tell a joke.
Jay’s joke book collection is huge. Knowing him, he read them all. And could tell them all.
The binder smells of dust and age. The notebook is a standard 8 ½ X 11, much of it thin onionskin paper. The years of shelf wear has blotted the type making some of it difficult to read. It must date to the 1930s or 1940s because he included some WPA jokes. The book is 2 ½ inches thick. It divided into 26 categories from Juggler to Zoo. Some subjects contain a single page of jokes, others multiple pages, and a few only half pages. They are impeccably organized. After a visit to the magic shop during Jay’s tenure, this is a surprise.
Remember there are 19 other volumes, I cannot imagine how many jokes are collected in totality.
Does this sound like gloating? It is not meant to be. (Okay, well maybe a little.) This is just such an amazing thing. I want to share a piece of it, so I’ll close my eyes and pick one random page.
RABBITS
Girl with fur coat goes through the woods and a mother rabbit says to her children, “There’s your father-second pelt to the left-still hanging around other females.
Rabbit: We certainly know how to multiply.
Snake: I’m a tricky little adder myself.
Rabbits have shiny noses. That’s because their powder puffs are on the other end.
If Peter Rabbit gets sick, should he be given some hair tonic?
“I bought a pair of rabbits while you were away on your trip.”
“Where are they now?”
“Some of them are back in the coal shed, some are in the pen in the yard, and the rest are down in the basement.”
Two rabbits talking:
“I hear brother skunk has been drinking again.”
“Yes, he sure is stinko.”
The thoughts of a rabbit on sex,
Are practically never complex.
A rabbit in need, Is a rabbit indeed,
And his actions are what one expects.
“What happened to all these dead rabbits? Did you kill them?”
“Heck no, the boll-weevils run ‘em to death trying to get the cotton out their tails.”
Maybe I should have read the page first.
Some of the joke are dialogues, a few sound like they were captions for cartoons. I did edit out a couple that just did not make any sense. Like this one:
Three rabbits. Xmas story. Hungo, hungo.
What? I have no idea.
This is fun I think I will make it a regular feature. Jay’s joke page.
Thanks, Jay....For everthing.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Second-Hand Jokes
Two cows were standing in a field...
One turns to the other and says, "Moo."
The other one says, "Damn, I was just about to say that!"
One turns to the other and says, "Moo."
The other one says, "Damn, I was just about to say that!"
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